Published on Sep 14, 2016
Topic: Apple
T is Tim Cook. All others’ positions are inferred by context. This is just a fun little script I wrote.
T: “We need better photo quality.”
A: “Really? I think users care more about-“
The sniper Apple keeps across the street to monitor its engineers takes out A.
B: “Photo quality is my top priority!”
T: “Okay, good. What can we do about it?”
B: “Well, people like zooming in, but digital zoom sucks. We could work on that.”
T: “Ooh, I like that. What do we need to do?
B: “Well, if we made it physically a little bigger-“
A red dot appears just on the left of C’s center of mass.
B: “But that would be silly. Instead, we’ll add an ENTIRE SECOND CAMERA that has a different zoom built-in!”
T: “I love it. What else do you have?”
B: “Let’s add wide color; our users have wanted for years-“
B’s brains splatter against the wall.
T: “Gary, he kind of had a point, that’s actually a good idea.”
G: “Sorry boss. I heard ‘our users have wanted it for years’ and assumed it was go time.”
T: “Normally a safe assumption, but I’m afraid you were wrong on this one. Harvey, go for it.”
A second sniper takes out Gary.
H: “Done, boss.”
T: “Excellent. Now back to the task at hand; what else can we do?”
C: “We could custom build a special, extra chip dedicated solely to taking good pictures.”
T: “You better not be about to tell me we have to make the phone bigger.”
A red dot appears on D’s temple.
C: “Of course not boss! Remember when we got rid of the DVD drive and people were mad but we called it ‘innovative’? What if we made extra space… by getting rid of the headphone jack!”
Tim Cook’s jaw drops, flabberghasted by C’s utter genius.
T: “That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. I can’t believe it - I finally get to pull a ‘Steve Jobs’.”
T: “Now - that’s almost enough for the next release, but I think we need a bit more. What more can we do to improve image quality?
C: “I’ve got you. Check this out - what if we double our processing power, and just make micro-optimizations with that until it looks good?”
T: “Like a college student pounding coffees until their term paper is done.”
C: “Exactly.”
T: “Well, I’m satisfied. Start manufacturing. Unfortunately, C, we need to protect our secrecy, and non-disclosure agreements just aren’t enough anymore.”
Harvey shoots C.
T: “Excellent job Harvey. I knew hooking up a mic in the room to your Apple® AirPods™ would pay off. Unfortunately-“
Harvey gets taken out by a third sniper, Ivan.
T: “-you only get 5 hours of life with them.”
